Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
