Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
