Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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