Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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