if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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