On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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