Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
