I didn't shave. On purpose
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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