I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
