Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
