I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
