i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
