I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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