I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
