Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize