This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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