Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
