She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
