Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
