You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize