i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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