Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
