last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
