I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
