Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize