My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
