Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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