Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
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