you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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