Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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