whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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