she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
