Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
