it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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