how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
