hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize