I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
this boner is exhausting
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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