TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Did I show you my penis last night?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
