so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
