She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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