After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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