You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
