So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize