Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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