remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize