I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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