I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
