Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
