The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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