just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
