when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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