I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
