my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
