Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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