I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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