I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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