My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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