dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
