I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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