If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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