It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
