so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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