I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
