I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
