saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
