so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
