I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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