Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
