One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
