using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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