Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
