i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
